[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
You Might Also Like
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”