Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes