Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
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Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Lmbo
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.