HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click