[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
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6: are snakes just neck?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
You got this…
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Noah
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives