pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
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While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.