Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Grow up never but we old may grow we
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.