Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.