on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
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goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.