*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
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Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.