Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
You Might Also Like
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
She puts the hot in psychotic
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.