Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”