My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
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Netflix and you sit over there.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.