Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.