I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body