[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
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Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Somewhere in an alternate universe
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
ouch
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]