Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
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Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.