I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Ironic
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
seems fine
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.