What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
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[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Seas the day!!!!
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days