them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
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Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD