Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
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Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
The French cow says MEUX…
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*