I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
You Might Also Like
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.