Happens to everyone.
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PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
dutch is not a serious language
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder