Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
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[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I don’t know what to do
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Something Saturday.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.