DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.