Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
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You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
just make the entire table out of coaster
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.