REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
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If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I am HOWLING at this
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
my friends when i can’t do basic math
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.