Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
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Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.