Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
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*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?