Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
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Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.