pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.