[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
You Might Also Like
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
*jingles half the way*
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
An odd boast
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter