I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
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CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL