Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.