Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”