“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Room with a view.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
🤔😂😂
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”