I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Um … Hot Wings please
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*