[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
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Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
This is I, Robot all over again
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse