hi why am I like this
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
me
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.