Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.