The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
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[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?