If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
The French cow says MEUX…
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come