Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
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a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone