Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
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My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”