No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
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Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
ed has no gf cuz sheran away