I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
You have been warned.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe