HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
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For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.