Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
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Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”