watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
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So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*