the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
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One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
sugar glider wrangler
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
🤣🤣
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.